English Language 9093 Paper 1 help

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Hi everyone,
Hope all of you are doing well. As I am a private candidate and I am self studying for the May exams, I have no teacher to review my English papers. If anyone who's appeared for this exam and has achieved a grade B or higher can help me out by seeing whether my commentary is up to the mark, I'd be very grateful.
Thank you!
 
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Dear, I need someone help regarding English Language, pls someone help? I'm depressed
 
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