sample practice essay - total words: 217, Need people to read

[zainabkhann]

Essay question: What should a government do for a country to become succsessful?

The government of a country acts like a glue. It holds everything together, the people, the society, the system, the economy etc. It works for the people and by the people.
A government may choose to come up something inventive, to increase their popularity with the citizens. They can do various activities such as making or fixing roads in places needed for the community to use, or making different departments or sectors, to increase the rate of employment within the country.
The goverment may also decide to lower the prices of certain objects like food, natural resources for a limited time to make sure the people in the country take advantage of it. This ensures loyalty and flexibility from the government, that they are sensitive to people's needs and take corrective action to win people's hearts.
The government has the power to do alot of effective things for the citizens and one of them is that they should construct hospitals and schools for people who are going through poverty in rural areas, this not only adds employment to that area, but also helps in eliminating poverty.
Improving a country's, stability requires dedication, strong will, and patience, and once these are gained, the road to success is near.


Guys i need your honest opinion and ay suggestions, positive comments, constructive citicism would be considered and appreciated. Thanks !

 

[aalmuhannadi]

Essay question: What should a government do for a country to become succsessful?

The government of a country acts like a glue. It holds everything together, the people, the society, the system, the economy etc. It works for the people and by the people.
A government may choose to come up something inventive, to increase their popularity with the citizens. They can do various activities such as making or fixing roads in places needed for the community to use, or making different departments or sectors, to increase the rate of employment within the country.
The goverment may also decide to lower the prices of certain objects like food, natural resources for a limited time to make sure the people in the country take advantage of it. This ensures loyalty and flexibility from the government, that they are sensitive to people's needs and take corrective action to win people's hearts.
The government has the power to do alot of effective things for the citizens and one of them is that they should construct hospitals and schools for people who are going through poverty in rural areas, this not only adds employment to that area, but also helps in eliminating poverty.
Improving a country's, stability requires dedication, strong will, and patience, and once these are gained, the road to success is near.


Guys i need your honest opinion and ay suggestions, positive comments, constructive citicism would be considered and appreciated. Thanks !

Great points, but I think the formatting is kind of off. The main constituents of an IELTS essay should be:

1. State 3-4 points you're going to discuss in the introduction.
2. Write a paragraph about each point, explaining it and elaborating further about that specific point (e.g. you could mention making or fixing roads in the intro, and then in the first paragraph prepare a couple of subpoints to discuss about that specific point e.g. it helps transport links, less people are late to their jobs so they don't lose out, les crowded streets so less congestion, etc.)
3. I suggest you start each paragraph with a topic sentence (e.g. the first sentence of a paragraph should summarise or hint at what is to come later in the paragraph itself).

Listing points from my experience, won't gain you marks, but listing a couple of points and explaining them (e.g. in this case, saying your thesis and then backing it up and supporting it, like saying what would help a government improve the country ,and then have a paragraph on its own explaining why and how for that specific point, as I said before)

There are a couple of minor errors:
- After 'glue' should be a ; not a .
- 'may choose to come up WITH something...'
-'something inventive IN ORDER TO (instead of the comma) increase their popularity...'
-Rather than 'needed for the community to use', you could say 'which could prove to be a boon towards to community'
-'departments and sectors WHICH increases...'
-'food AND natural resources'
-to make sure...' could be changed to 'in order to encourage the citizens to take advantage of THEM'
-'from the government AND that they'...
-'alot' isn't a word, it's 2 different words 'a lot'
-'one of them is that they COULD (not should)'
-instead of 'in rural areas, this not only adds', you could say '...in rural areas which, as a consequence, not only aids the respective area's employment levels, but also helps in suppressing poverty'.
-'a country's, stability' - remove the comma
-change the ending to 'the path to a thriving nation is likely to be ever to close'

Of course back to the formatting. There are 2 paragraphs which both start with 'The government'. As I said, I highly discourage you from writing paragraphs like that, but I recommend you follow my initial guidelines (which I used myself in the IELTS). I'm going to write an example for the first possible paragraph:

Encouraging the growth of small businesses and enterprises is one action a government can take domestically in order to ensure a thriving country. Financial aid is beneficial to all businesses, but is of greater use to more minute businesses than larger ones. If a government subsidised a chain or block of small businesses, they'd be more likely to be successful and gain significant amounts of profits. This essentially aids the country itself as a larger number of businesses set up means lower unemployment levels, which ultimately leads to the local population having a greater quality of life; being able to purchase their wants and needs due to their stable income. In addition, offering these businesses grants in order to set up in certain areas also largely helps te country. This is because both sides benefit; the government can pay them to set up in areas of low employment levels in order to get more people working, and the businesses are paid. It's essentially a system of equilibrium.

So I think I went off a bit too far there, but I hope you get the general idea of what kind of formatting I'm referring to. You'd notice I used a topic sentence at the beginning. Then I stated 2 sub-points based on the first sentence of the paragraph in order to support it, and explained them thoroughly. However, I think I wrote a bit too much there and realistically you should try to cut it down a line or two.

But I really hope any of that helped

 

[zainabkhann]

Omg ur vacob is really good and intense, im no way near that, what tricks should i use to boost my vocab like that? And i undertsand what ur saying, i will definately mention my topics in an indirect way and then open them up in the paragraphs, I jus need to construct good sentences, how do you think i should do that? Il have to look up at synonyms of common words that may use

 

[zainabkhann]

Okey i wrote another essay last night after this but didnt get time to post it, so here it is, dont mind the same mistakes if i do make.

Essay question: Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be give more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives?

We all assume that becoming a celebrity is a very thrilling job, but we do not realize the ramifications of it, when they are chased by the papparazi.
Some people say that it is the przie, that they have to pay, and others sympathize with the people bein mobbed by the ignorant pieces of flesh that we call our media. The media brings us important news, gossips and more, but this new trend of following them in cars for hours and taking photos of them constantly is displeasisng let alone absurd.
Usually we see pictures of famous people who we admire, being printed or displayed on different means of media, but do we actually wonder how frustrating it would be to do your normal activities, without the useless need of people following to capture your every move.
Everyone deserves some kind of privacy, so why do they get disregarded? No fan would want to see their favourite celebrity get chased and harrassed by photographers, and magazine companys who think that they can improve sales by getting inadequate pictures are over their head.
Celebrities should be given the same amount of respect as normal people do. Their fame should not be misinterpreted and their silence shouldnt be taken for granted.

this does seem quite small but its 209 words.

 

[aalmuhannadi]

Okey i wrote another essay last night after this but didnt get time to post it, so here it is, dont mind the same mistakes if i do make.

Essay question: Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be give more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private lives?

We all assume that becoming a celebrity is a very thrilling job, but we do not realize the ramifications of it, when they are chased by the papparazi.
Some people say that it is the przie, that they have to pay, and others sympathize with the people bein mobbed by the ignorant pieces of flesh that we call our media. The media brings us important news, gossips and more, but this new trend of following them in cars for hours and taking photos of them constantly is displeasisng let alone absurd.
Usually we see pictures of famous people who we admire, being printed or displayed on different means of media, but do we actually wonder how frustrating it would be to do your normal activities, without the useless need of people following to capture your every move.
Everyone deserves some kind of privacy, so why do they get disregarded? No fan would want to see their favourite celebrity get chased and harrassed by photographers, and magazine companys who think that they can improve sales by getting inadequate pictures are over their head.
Celebrities should be given the same amount of respect as normal people do. Their fame should not be misinterpreted and their silence shouldnt be taken for granted.

this does seem quite small but its 209 words.

Oh yes as you said, it's not enough. The minimum word limit for the essay question is 250 words, and if you write anything below that you're penalised in the exam.

Secondly, yes I noticed you used the same format as the previous one, but you already know how to fix that. Another thing: try not to go over 4 paragraphs as that is really unnecessary for the essay question. You might do that on the first writing task, but not on the essay question. What do you want me to comment on in this particular essay?

 

[aalmuhannadi]

To make up better sentences, try using words which improve the flow of the paragraph, such as 'in addition', 'therefore', 'furthermore', 'however', 'in any case', 'as a consequence', 'in light of', 'also,', etc. And my vocabulary just comes naturally from lots of hours of reading I read a lot when I was younger so I guess that's where I acquired it. You can definitely improve yours though, but I notcied that you still do use a wide range, did you type that in one go or did you have to use a thesaurus? If it's the former then good job!

When I read some novels, I usually take note of the words I could not recall the meaning of or have never heard of before, so I constructed a VERY long word list. I could send it to you if you'd like?

 

[zainabkhann]

Oh yes as you said, it's not enough. The minimum word limit for the essay question is 250 words, and if you write anything below that you're penalised in the exam.

Secondly, yes I noticed you used the same format as the previous one, but you already know how to fix that. Another thing: try not to go over 4 paragraphs as that is really unnecessary for the essay question. You might do that on the first writing task, but not on the essay question. What do you want me to comment on in this particular essay?

could you tell me a way of making sentences better, like i have a tendancy of using commas alot, and long sentences. i want to avoid that as much as possible.

 

[zainabkhann]

To make up better sentences, try using words which improve the flow of the paragraph, such as 'in addition', 'therefore', 'furthermore', 'however', 'in any case', 'as a consequence', 'in light of', 'also,', etc. And my vocabulary just comes naturally from lots of hours of reading I read a lot when I was younger so I guess that's where I acquired it. You can definitely improve yours though, but I notcied that you still do use a wide range, did you type that in one go or did you have to use a thesaurus? If it's the former then good job!

When I read some novels, I usually take note of the words I could not recall the meaning of or have never heard of before, so I constructed a VERY long word list. I could send it to you if you'd like?

No i didnt use the thesaurus, when i small i used to read the dictionary and now i use big words in my daily life, so it works, thanks and please do send, that would help alot.

 

[aalmuhannadi]

could you tell me a way of making sentences better, like i have a tendancy of using commas alot, and long sentences. i want to avoid that as much as possible.

Yes I noticed you overuse commas sometimes. You should use the method I explained previously about using connectives in order to link up two sentences into one. If you find that you're writing a very long sentence, try splitting it in two or simply using a : or ; as they drastically shorten a sentence by removing unnecessary words or phrases. And sure, I'll upload the word list with this post.

 

[zainabkhann]

Could u also send me a proper list of connective words? or a list of synonyms for words like (alot) which i used earlier and u said it was a very common word.

 

[zainabkhann]

this list are great, il start reading and understanding them. thanks alott

 

[aalmuhannadi]

Could u also send me a proper list of connective words? or a list of synonyms for words like (alot) which i used earlier and u said it was a very common word.

I'll upload the respective documents. Hope any of them are of use

 

[zainabkhann]

yes they are definately.

 

[zainabkhann]

in the writing section of the exam, do they give us 2 essays one for 250 and the other for 150 words?

 

[aalmuhannadi]

in the writing section of the exam, do they give us 2 essays one for 250 and the other for 150 words?

Correct.

 

[aalmuhannadi]

But that's only the minimum for each.

 

[zainabkhann]

Write, and there isnt a selection of topics right? they give you one for each ? Isnt that a bit tough because you may not have alot of knowledge for certain topics

 

[zainabkhann]

Write, and there isnt a selection of topics right? they give you one for each ? Isnt that a bit tough because you may not have alot of knowledge for certain topics

*right

 

[aalmuhannadi]

Write, and there isnt a selection of topics right? they give you one for each ? Isnt that a bit tough because you may not have alot of knowledge for certain topics

I know but that's how the exam goes unfortunately. Sometimes they're easy topics and sometimes they require a bit more thought. But you can get through most of them without any trouble hopefully, you seem very capable!

 

[zainabkhann]

Okey i see, what effective informative can you give me for the reading section, i am very poor in that since ive stopped reading and i dont understand big words whe they are used in senteces alot, cant analyze sentences sometimes.