~~jokes?? in here?? really??

[applepie1996]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[Evolution]

looool that force is negative!! so your not attracted your repelled!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

 

[étudiante]

looool that force is negative!! so your not attracted your repelled!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

Dats wat its supposed to mean Attracted negatively

 

[multixamza01]

Read the name of the editor .
then read the date .
then laugh .

 

[applepie1996]

Read the name of the editor .
then read the date .
then laugh .

tsk..............tsk..........tsk

 

[multixamza01]

tsk..............tsk..........tsk

am i supposed to know what that means?

 

[applepie1996]

am i supposed to know what that means?

i dunno take it watever way u want

 

[applepie1996]

am i supposed to know what that means?

it means i pity u

 

[multixamza01]

it means i pity u

thread is going off topic ..

 

[Nabeeha]

 

[THE FOLLOWER]

FINALLY ANGRY BIRD ON NOKIA​

​

​

 

[MuslimGirl]

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the sound of a can-opener, or a scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat can go from zero to nap in 3 seconds.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: Cats must sleep on owner’s face, neck, or mid-section whenever possible.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything interesting on it.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat. If only one cat is available, it must occupy each container at least once.

Goldfish Axiom: IF the house contains a fish tank, THEN the cat has a wet paw.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of 1 part Matter + 1 part Anti-Matter + 98 parts It Doesn’t Matter.

 

[MuslimGirl]

Corporate lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY

We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE

We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION

I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE

I pilfer office supplies.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK

I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M PERSONABLE

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I AM ADAPTABLE

I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO

I’m never at my desk.

 

[MuslimGirl]

Flying Directions

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?”

“You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?”

“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So, I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”

 

[MuslimGirl]

Trip to heaven




This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

 

[MuslimGirl]

Worst surgical dialogues

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again.

9. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? And this guy’s got two of ‘em.”

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. What’s this doing here?

12. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

13. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

14. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

15. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

16. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

17. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?”

18. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

19. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

 

[MuslimGirl]

Investment counsellor

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. May berry, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honesty. I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

 

[applepie1996]

Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Puncture

 

[Evolution]

wait where did that map on the wall go?!

 

[Evolution]

lol, that's what they call a "sticky" situation