DANTE’S INFERNO THE 21st CENTURY SEQUEL (Self-Written) :P

[usama321]

im well aware of how to write frst person lol
the last stry i wrote and u read was also frst person
this thing needs oiling

Didn't say you aren't. Was just saying that maybe that is the reason you can't place what you feel is wrong with the story.

 

[Rutzaba]

Didn't say you aren't. Was just saying that maybe that is the reason you can't place what you feel is wrong with the story.

myt b

 

[Faizan Muhammmad]

u need more practice at writing thats wat is wrong

nobody is perfect
Give me some examples of improvement please
I have got english cie next week

 

[usama321]

The only thing that really felt wrong was the line about the heart taking a break. It doesn't make sense, even though it is supposed to be humorous. Furthermore, that's the only part where i found your grammar faltering

Make some clear indication about the time of the day maybe? I mean first you say that you came out after studying all morning, but in half an hour the sun starts beating down fiercely, so maybe it's around 10-12 in the morning. But then, the food in the restaurant should not have run out so early in the morning

The plot is great And you have carried the tone of humor wonderfully The vocabulary is good too.


The last line was perfect though

 

[Faizan Muhammmad]

The topic was "Describe a time when you were waiting for someone or something"
And yeah that heart part should have been clearly explained
as for food its pakistani restuaraunt
and humor is the only tone I have but I have lost touch, become more serious person

 

[Rutzaba]

The topic was "Describe a time when you were waiting for someone or something"
And yeah that heart part should have been clearly explained
as for food its pakistani restuaraunt
and humor is the only tone I have but I have lost touch, become more serious person

nothing i wud say wud make u improve in 1 week
mere bht bure num aye the cie mai... u rock bro khush?

 

[Faizan Muhammmad]

nothing i wud say wud make u improve in 1 week
mere bht bure num aye the cie mai... u rock bro khush?

yah to main usama ko reply karra tha

 

[Rutzaba]

yah to main usama ko reply karra tha

to bus hojao khush

 

[Faizan Muhammmad]

to bus hojao khush