I've messed up

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Hello I'm an O level student from Pakistan. I think I messed up and it might ruin my life. Just so you know that, I used to be a straight A student but now everything has gone wrong. Let's start from how I wanted to join O level. My father was completely against it and realized he couldn't afford my studies. When he said that I wasn't upset and I also respected him for saying that. But a year later when my father got a huge promotion, he wanted to force me into O level. I said sure because this was the opportunity I promised myself a year ago. Before applying for the admission I told my parents that I want to waste a year of my life so I could start O level from square one. But my parents didn't like the idea of that and declined it. So here I was 2nd year of O level, completely behind everyone and had to cover the last year work which was impossible because it was alot to cover. After a month, lockdown started for a year which made it even more worse because I didn't study because I didn't know what to do. I was lost and broken and had no one that could help me. Right now I'm sitting at the last year of O level (still at square one) depressed, and having suicidal thoughts.

Sorry for the grammar I was in a hurry
 
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